Daily Fast Write 2/26/15

“What is it that others think is right for me to say and do?” I read this last night. You know, maybe this is kind of the root of some of my issues. How worried am I about what others think is right? Should I be worried at all? I find it difficult working in the religious community. It’s difficult to be a real part of a community that seems to have no idea what to do with you. No one understands what a Chaplain does. 95% of people don’t even know that LDS chaplains exist. They don’t udnerstand why I am goign to school. Folks just don’t understand. Yet, I feel impaired in spiritual progress. SOmetimes I talk to people about doing things in church and the words coming back to me seem to be just drawn out versions of Rooster Cogburn saying “I can do nothing for you, son.” I wish I could teach more. I wish I could preach more. I truly am happy when I get to do those things. I feel engaged and active in the church. I want to do something more than just sit around. It’s strange, I think we don’t know what to do with that. It seems that we ask a lot of poeple to preach or teach and it’s like you’re having to twist their arms around to get them to do it. Yet I would honestly enjoy it, at least I think I would, for a while, if I were asked to preach every week and teach Sunday School and Elders every single week. I just really enjoy that. Which is a funny thing to say because I remember freaking out the first time someone asked me to teach a Sunday School class as a substitute. But I really found comfort in teaching…I remember being asked to teach Sunday School as the permanent teacher, 12 year old kids I was teaching. That doesn’t seem that long ago but I see on Facebook where these kids are getting driver’s permits. It won’t be long and they’ll be talking about going to college. It’s interesting to see them grow. A part of me wishes we were still in Alabama, but most of me is glad we’re gone. I’m holding off making some unkind comments…you’re not supposed to hold back on these fast writes, but at some point, I just have to hold back and be kind. How can you fit into a community that doesn’t udnerstand you? How can you talk about feeling a call to ministry that the vast majority of people you talk to don’t even want to acknowledge exists? Talk about difficult. Are you even LDS folks ask. Yes, in fact I am. Strange, right? Someone who actually WANTS to minister to people.

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